To My Dearest Aunty Kathleen (a poem)

Hello,Miss.'Smiling Irish Eyes',

don't hear much from you,

I miss you loads,almost thrice,

but soon I'll see you.

Before that I have to say,

that though time's less,

I never forget to pray,

pray that you are fine and that God bless.

I hope you haven't forgotten me,
now sometimes in my dreams you come,
your thought alone makes me feel glee,
I hope for me in your mind you have place some.

You are one of my most favourite people on earth,
I miss you and love you a ton,
love for you,of that there's no dearth,
cause you're special,in the whole wide world just one.

I hope the world down under is treating you fine,
I'm sure you must've made beautiful memories of good times,
I hope you're thinking of me,the way I am of you,
and on this side of the world,there's never a day that goes by without me thinking of you.

Love you loads,Aunty Kathleen.

-Seema Tabassum(me)

©tab1525.blogspot.com 2015

Aunty Kathleen is my friend Karen's mother,we bond like a house on fire.She's beautiful,thoughtful,caring,kindhearted,sensible,profound but also immense fun and young at heart.Before blogging,i used to ask her to review my poems and she'd indulge me with a feedback always.Infact she's the one who suggested that i put my poems on a site.I'm thankful to her for a lot of things,esp.for the support she's been but mostly for being there for me when she needn't have to.When Abbu came into this world,Aunty was there with me throughout for 8 hours or so inspite of my Mom being there for me and she was the one who announced that i delivered a boy,i always wanted a boy and in India the law forbids knowing the sex of the baby before delivery.So it was such a joy to hear esp.from Aunty that i was blessed with a boy,i remember her saying  "Seema you did it" and i was then handed Abbu and i cried and laughed and we hugged.I can never in my life forget what immense love and support and some shouting too i got from Aunty dearest.She's special,we're special.Love her and her name Kathleen in Irish means "Smiling Irish Eyes". She's in Australia visiting her son and she's been gone a long time,i hope she comes back safe and sound and soon.Her i love,miss and think about.

Unless otherwise stated all content on tab1525.blogspot.com are intellectual property belonging to Seema Tabassum.Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog's owner is strictly prohibited.Excerpts and links maybe used,provided that full and clear credit is given to Seema Tabassum and tab1525.blogspot.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.Thank you.

Life's a Bliss But Something's Amiss.

Can we choose not to let something affect us?  I don't think so.
It's been 20years since my Daddy's demise,17th of Sept.,2014 is the 20th death anniversary,but i'm still hurting.
It feels kind of long and kind of a short time,it's been painful to an extent that breathing was exhausting and it's been so easy somedays like i never knew him.My Daddy was always a source of pain for me,it was painful living away from him,painful,not having him around,protecting us from unpleasant experiences,guiding us,painful not being able to communicate our joys and sorrows,painful that he was so unavailable,physically and emotionally,painful not being able to see his handsome face everyday.Even now as i write this I can't hold my tears,i wish i knew him more,got to spend more time with him.I know him just a little through his diaries,

and i have only a handful of memories with him,among them some bitter ones too,but mostly thinking of him brings a smile to my face.

My memories with him are precious little and few and far between.He'd take us to the movies,mostly english,only action,sometimes telugu and he'd always first see the movie himself and later take us,only if the movie was appropriate,and also he'd explain the movie to us, he was thoughtful that way and patient too.He used to take us to picnics sometimes,and breakfast at Taj,Abids,these are about the handful of memories i have of him.There is a vivid memory of his which is unforgettable to me, we were at home when Daddy once returned from a district and shouted our names from the gate and upon hearing him we ran to the gate and he carried me and my brother in his arms and hugged us tightly,precious memory.I can't recall the last time i saw him,before i lost him forever.

             Twenty years ago,our lives were shattered with the news of my father's death by accident,he was coming home for our parents' wedding anniversary which was the next day,18th Sept.,but never reached.His body was found the next day on the side of the highway,in a field.My mother was the one who identified his body,she says that it was a horrifying sight and tragic too,to see such a handsome man with teeth broken and a branch tearing his eye,he lay there in a pool of blood,his boots had scratches on the sides,indicating struggle,i wonder while breaking down,always,for how long must've my Dad struggled,how lonely he must've been,how much pain must've he been in,did he think of us then,was he capable of that,did it take long before his suffering came to an end??.My mother didn't let us see Daddy's corpse because it was too painful to see him in that state,she wanted us to remember him as his handsome self,like he always was.The time the postmortem report stated as the time of my Daddy's death was 8.30pm and that day that same time,in Hyderabad we heard our Daddy calling our names,we ran to the gate and didn't find him,at first we thought he was hiding,he often did that,after a while we realised that maybe we just assumed we heard him.The next day we got the news of his demise,we still believe that Daddy came straight home after he died,how else can one explain all three of us hearing him calling us at the very time his soul departed.

                         My life took a sharp turn that day,i never imagined a life without him,i thought i won't be able to live with the fact that my father's no more,but like always,we adapt and we move on,the fact that he was always away helped us get over this ordeal a bit sooner than we had expected,he was an Inspector in the Andhra Pradesh Special Police Force and shortly before his death he was promoted to DSP,hence he was always in the Maoist-infested districts,sweeping the forests in search of them,Naxals were a big problem then.
        We had our troubles after he died,financial and all sorts and yet life went on,like it always does and now twenty years later i try to recall him,i close my eyes and can visualise him at the gate,in his uniform,but i can't seem to recall his voice,i've looked for tapes which had his voice recorded but haven't found any,i lost his voice,i miss his voice and i'm still desperately searching for atleast one tape.

My Daddy was very funny,always joking,immensely handsome,unbelievably stylish for a police officer,very conscious of his looks,and pretty much sick of lazy,fat colleagues of his,he didn't watch Hindi movies,didn't like Hindi songs,he was not fond of anything typically Indian,(and this i inherited i guess)he was very kind,treated all young and old,rich and poor alike,when he came to pick me up from school,he would talk to all my friends,and joke with them,i was very proud of him.And when he died i didn't want to live without him,he was our only respite from all things unpleasant,but nobody dies with the dead,we just die each day,little by little.As years passed and i gained some perspective on my life back then,now i understand my Daddy had flaws too,i know a couple of them,flaws that gave grief,i loved him too much to notice then but i love him unconditionally now,i realise my life wouldn't be the same with him around,i wouldn't be where i am today,i would be somebody completely different,and that is one reason I'm not so sad for his loss,i love my journey till date and i love my life,now.I wouldn't want it any other way and had he been alive,this wouldn't be possible,ofcourse i'd love to have him around but as a mute spectator and that he would never be.So,i guess whatever happens,happens for the good.
             The death of my father has meant a death of many things to us,death of many relations,hopes,aspirations,dreams but i guess if i can live and love life even after the sun of my life set twenty years ago,if i can find a way in the darkness,if i can be strength to others, if i can from a lost 14 yr.old become this responsible woman now,without a father's hand to lead me then i have the confidence that i can take up any challenge life throws at me,my Daddy's death has taught me the single,most vital lesson i ever needed to learn,that,if i could take all the blows life hit me with,these twenty years and still stand tall,then i can take anything.But i pray life doesn't test me more and i pray Abbu or my nephew or any kid should never lose a parent.I pray i,never have to lose anyone else i love,Ameen.      Love my Daddy loads and we are very proud of him.

                                 That's my Daddy in all the pictures.
              
                                   ©tab1525.blogspot.com