I grew distant from people who were always there
I'm giving up this pursuit this running
I'm losing in all of this precious something
i started with these thoughts,hoping to make a poem but a poem will be a poem and no one will understand if i'm simply writing or really mean,so i stopped.
There was a time before all of this i breathed and lived,like really lived in the moment,not trying to act as if i'm living that minute while my mind is occupied with something else,usually about poetry.
I just realised when my son said something,my hubby and he are on a trip,again without me,i asked my son if he missed me and he replied,"No,Mum,you're never really there" and that hit me hard,i had some time to reflect on what i'm doing and why and where is this taking me,i have only one answer....AWAY....away from family,from my life,my all, that i over the years built so meticulously....my son used to give me cards as trophies implying that i'm his hero and Mother Teresa but now he doesn't really think about me much or highly...i can see the distances growing,my hubby... i have no words when i think of him,i'm running after people who don't care if i exist or not and forgetting someone who's been through hell and more for me,who fought for me,who never gave up on me,who made me his sun and shines when i smile,and if i look at him will blush like a teenager....i was never ambitious,i was content being a wife,his wife,i only wanted to be his wife and nothing else,i was content being a mother,that was my ambition,being a mother,a good mother,now i don't know how my son who had me on a pedestal thinks no big deal of me,it started with poetry,i always had a superiority complex,still do,still think nobody can work like me or is organised like me,but writing no,there are great poets here,who write beyond beautiful and are in hundreds and i'm lost,sometimes i have to look some words up,so it just hit me,that i am really nothing,wasting my time,i thought my blog will be fabulous but it is lost in the crowd here,there are people here with ten thousand followers and a thousand likes on one post while i ...i'm like the scum of the pond, i feel that way,there are people who are really kind to me and read and leave sweet words but i know that they are only being kind,i wanted to be someone people will wake up to and check first,to see what next,i do that,check so many here,i wanted to be someone's light,i thought i wrote great but now i know reality,i can never be what i thought i could be because then i was a frog in a well,happy thinking that is all,but the world is different,there are tons of talented people and i'm just wasting my time here,
if we have to go anywhere my hubby asks me if i can make time,that has become me,i don't know how or when but i've become that,selfish,engrossed in my own world,neglecting my life support thinking i'll do without and now it's killing me to see,my lifelines adjusting,surviving and thriving through my absence and i'm still stuck wondering if i missed a post or a mention,losing sanity over nothing that makes a difference to anybody,getting lost in virtual while life is passing me by,i've had time to think about what i'm doing,i'm getting lost in the ink of others,i should be less involved,i'm probing people's lives,getting to know the fragrance and the dirt and that is impacting my life,in the now,i have no life i can boast about.
Abbu(son) and me used to go shopping every weekend,buy groceries and books,home accessories,something,anything,that was our bonding,we'd discuss what looks nice or is a good read or how it was rubbish,then eat a snack,eat desserts....Taher(hubby) though always busy we'd squeeze in family time,now there's still family time only i am missing....i wonder how and what prompted me to start a blog,i wanted everyone to read my poetry,i thought only few people write poems,i was naive,now it's like the whole world writes poetry and i'm nothing special,infact i'm not even good...i've lost,i gave in to the devil,feeding my ego,i wanted to prove something to the world and i've proved that i'm a fool to think i'll make a difference or matter or people will look out for me,here even friends who call me family don't care,facebook no one even bothers to read anymore because i cannot make time to interact with them and those are my childhood friends,nobody cares to share,i wonder what kind of friends are they,they share mundane jokes and stale quotes but not my writes,none,sigh....for some strange reason i feel betrayed,not justified i know but i have to let this out lest it kills me,i was wandering this past year doing God knows what i recall only running...i have friends here on Google who've been here only one year and i have been here for 18 months now,and they have achieved far more than me,it's crazy,i never compare myself with anybody but this does show something if i cannot see it'll be ignorant and delusional of me...i see rather clearly,.....now i need to make changes,i am going to,how and what i know not,for now this will be my last post this year,will take time to reflect on my life,ofcourse things will change,you'll see less of me maybe,i don't know,i'll try to figure out how to manage time,while my babies were away i did realise how stupid i was to run behind a phantom and forget my moon,stars and rainbows...this phantom that is you i will get inspired by and write my poems so i'm not complaining,i'm stepping back some and will see how it helps my life,needed to write this,get it off my chest,need to breathe,exhale,release and live...if you are like me i hope you realise priority soon and not get carried away,basically i'm giving up,giving up running behind a shadow,craving for attention or fame(i know a big word)...i'm giving it all up...
Wishing you all a a very Happy New Year,hope i still have a place to go back to after all,and no place like home,hope to see you soon and well,please take care,God bless.
See You in the next year.Take Care.Babye.
©Seema Tabassum 2015
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